Here we go…

Well I believe it is official…. Menopause. Actually I believe it is called “perimenopause”. Don’t even get me started on what the hell the difference is because I don’t know and why do you have to have perimenopause? Ain’t it enough to have menopause? What, we got to have something that heralds the event? I mean I think the hot flashes and mood swings should be enough of a herald.

Can you tell I’ve got the irritability symptom down pat?  Also the mood swings – in other words you don’t want to be standing anywhere around me when I go from light and happy to evil and dark. I down-graded my purse size just so I wouldn’t bean somebody in the head the next time they took 12 items into the 10 items or less aisle at the supermarket. Seriously people –BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID!

There is the window sticker for cars that say “Children Aboard” but I want to know where do I get my “Warning Menopausal Woman Driving” sticker? It seems fair to offer a warning to other drivers – in other words, you don’t want to cut me off or in any other way piss me off while I’m driving a couple tons of metal. I would crush your little hybrid. Not to mention flatten that little mini cooper thing.

I may actually have to buy a little (or not so little) pin – “Menopause Ongoing – don’t ask and I won’t tell… how ugly you are, what a moron your child is et al” or any other truth that comes flying out of my mouth. Seriously the next person who asks me why I look like I’m blushing – on my neck — will get a serious smack upside the head. Just because I don’t have sweat pouring off my face and I’m not actually tearing my clothes off doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I do have a little restraint – a very little, mind you.

I want to start a club – Menopausal and Proud of it but I’m afraid of the impact a roomful of menopausal women might have on global warming.


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